Parenting strategies every parent needs to know with Michelle McVittie | Ep. 36 Content Magic with Lindsay Smith

In this episode of Content Magic, I'm chatting with Michelle McVittie, a seasoned parenting coach and we are getting into the often messy world of parenthood and entrepreneurship.

With over two decades of experience in pediatric medical and mental health, Michelle specializes in helping parents and professionals navigate challenges like ADHD, anxiety, and parenting strong-willed children and teens.

We'll explore her approach to gentle parenting, the mental load that parents carry, and the importance of creating a safe and secure relationship with our children.

Michelle also opens up about her motivations, the joys of working for herself, and the crucial message she'd like to broadcast to all parents: behaviour is a form of communication, and understanding it is key to effective parenting.

If you're a parent, you won't want to miss this one!


CONNECT WITH MICHELLE!
Instagram: @momthemanager
Website: momthemanager.ca
Free Facebook community: Parenting With Connection

Lindsay [00:00:03]:
If you have an online business, you're creating content. And the way you create content is more important than ever. It's really noisy out there, and learning to stand out is the only way. Hey, I'm Lindsey and I'm the host of the content Magic podcast, all about being an entrepreneur and creating kick ass content to market yourself and your business. I have a not so secret superpower for copywriting, marketing and content, and I've helped hundreds of folks just like you. You show up with a ton of confidence in the online space. I've been doing this content thing for 20 years, and I believe the real magic is a combo of intuition, creativity, and strategy. You can create content for your business without losing your mind, I promise.

Lindsay [00:00:48]:
So, tune in every week for tangible content, tips, inspiring guests, and some real spicy opinions. Probably mine. Ready to dive in? Let's go. Hey, gang. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited to introduce you to another guest. Hi, Michelle.

Michelle [00:01:05]:
Hi.

Lindsay [00:01:07]:
So I'd like you. I'm going to get you to introduce yourself. Can you tell the people where you are, who you are, and what you do and who you help?

Michelle [00:01:14]:
Yes, absolutely. So, I am Michelle McVitty, mom of the manager. I am in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. I'm a parenting coach and child life specialist with over two decades of experience in pediatric medical and mental health. So who do I help? I help people that work with children. Usually it's parents. I do work with professionals as well to help wrap around children that are struggling. So I specialize in ADHD, strong willed children, anxiety, and parenting teens, because children do not come with a manual.

Michelle [00:01:53]:
So I work with parents one on one. I am the expert for CHCh Morning live, and I also have on demand parenting programs. So lots of different ways that I reach out to families, caregivers, because the wait and see mentality, I'm not okay with. Our healthcare system is about crisis support. And what about the people that just want to know, am I on the right path and where do I get started?

Lindsay [00:02:23]:
Yeah, I can confirm. Sometimes you just need somebody to be like, it's okay, you're all right. Just keep going.

Michelle [00:02:32]:
Absolutely.

Lindsay [00:02:33]:
So, can you tell us a little bit about your journey to entrepreneurship? Like, how did you. I mean, I know you have a ton of experience, so how did, how did you decide? You were like, okay, this is what I want to do, and I want to work for myself.

Michelle [00:02:47]:
Yeah, I think what I need, there was a little bit of a gap in my life, you know, like, I wanted things to be different, and I have no control over things. All I have a control over is my contribution. So it started off with me always wanting to write a book and I wanted to write a book and I wrote the book. I quit. Oh, wait, I'm the mom. And it came from my work with parents, parent coaching, working in the healthcare system, and seeing that there was some gaps. So I wrote this book which leveraged my career and I became the ch morning live parenting expert. And then I had some friends that were like, we can help you.

Michelle [00:03:31]:
What would you like to do? And I'm like, I have no idea. But what I wanted. What I wanted was to be able to help parents who were ready to do the work and that needed some support. And I wasn't quite sure what that looked like. So I actually started with an Etsy store. So I had the book and I started with an, before that, I started with an Etsy store, making downloadables that were child friendly, simple things that I now share with my clients on a regular basis. Because if it's not out there, I create it. And it's just been growing and growing and it's been really cool.

Lindsay [00:04:11]:
And what is your favorite part of working for yourself?

Michelle [00:04:15]:
The favorite part is that I have control over who I see and the message that I send that it's not curated and that there's not a lot of red to tape wrapped around that. That if someone needs some support, they can reach out to me. And sometimes it's just a validating message that someone needs. And maybe I'm not very business savvy, but I feel that sometimes, even if I jump on a 15 minutes call with someone and they do not connect with me afterwards because they feel like, wow, that was helpful. That's all I needed. And that makes me happy to say, yeah, like, they're not a client, but if I connected with them, then they may share that with somebody else and I can help more people. So that is the kind of cool thing that I can reach people in different ways and make change that quickly.

Lindsay [00:05:16]:
Yeah. And I think so many of us start our own business because we legitimately have, like an expertise or some sort of gift. And you're like, I just want to give this to other people. And I often joke that sometimes I'm like, maybe it's because I'm canadian. I just want to give it all away. Just be like, here, just take it. Yeah. So let's talk about messaging for a little while.

Lindsay [00:05:41]:
So you mentioned this idea of the message. So something I work on with my clients. Sometimes I'm like, if you were, like, standing on a mountain and you could, like, you know, like, is it Horton, here's a who. Where they have, like, the big thing. So if you had that. That huge Horton, here's a who thing, what message would you want to tell people?

Michelle [00:06:09]:
What I would like to tell people is that we can make change and that emotions evoke behavior in us and in our children, and that behavior is a message, and that we just have to listen to that message. And also that, you know, being stuck. Of course, I'm not going to say this on the mountain. This is too long.

Lindsay [00:06:41]:
That first part, though. Okay. Now you're half. Now you're halfway down the mountain.

Michelle [00:06:45]:
No, I'm halfway down the mountain. I just want a subtitle of, like, you know. Yeah, subtitle. But whatever. People to know that because I survived my childhood and everything was fine, doesn't mean that it was okay. Right? And that. Oh, you know, people are so sensitive and this and that. And it's like, no, I think what's happening is that we have a voice, and we're finally saying, I'm not okay with this.

Michelle [00:07:15]:
That it was normalized to just grin and bear it. Especially mothers. Just have the children do the things, have the dinner ready, smile and be happy. And if not, if you're not happy, there's a little pill you can take that is called valium, and that takes all women's problems away. And this is not from today. This is not from 20 years ago. This dates back, you know, and that we are making change, and that change is hard, but it's worth it.

Lindsay [00:07:47]:
Yeah.

Michelle [00:07:48]:
Yeah.

Lindsay [00:07:49]:
And I was just talking about this with a friend, this idea of mental load. And I wonder, for whatever reason, is it just a mom thing? Like, are there dads who understand this idea of mental load?

Michelle [00:08:10]:
Of course. And I think everybody has their own load that they can handle. Right? And I think distress tolerance is different for everybody. Also, whether you have a mental illness or a learning disability or your upbringing, like, there's. It's not just a black and white answer, right? So I feel as though the mental load is heavy on us, especially. And I keep deferring back to moms, because mothers are. This role of smile, grin, and bear it, keep moving on, is what has been normalized still to this day. It's getting better, of course, but that cycle needs to change.

Michelle [00:09:00]:
And for 50 years, let's say you're married. Even for me, the person I started out with as is not the person that I am now, after 21 years of marriage, I'm a different person, and I need my husband to change and come along with me. So that's a mental load. And how many mothers are stay at home moms this day and age? And I'm not putting that down at all because that's its own mental load, because you're not stimulated. Maybe you'd like to have a career, maybe you're stuck in that. But there are many people that are doing all the things. They're running companies and still have to drop the kids off, still have to make lunches, are still figuring out what camp they need to set their child up, and all the gifts need to be bought as well. And some people are better at it than others.

Michelle [00:09:56]:
But that default parent is really tough because I don't know if it's because the moms are around, if it's the values are different, I value different things than my husband does. Maybe I'm feeling stressed about something that the rest like, that my kids are like, what's the big deal, mom? It's not a big deal, but I've been stressed about this. So this is where I'm coming from. And they look at me like, why are you angry? Why are you stressed? And it's like, because my values are different. And when I walk into the kitchen and it's a gong show in here and we've got three other people in the house, is, am I the only one that cares? Right? So you either give up or you work harder. It's never a black and white answer. Never black and white.

Lindsay [00:10:45]:
So this idea of values, this is also something I've thought about. Like, my values are probably different than my husband's values, right? Like it. And you see household tasks or anything to do with our kids or our family, it's just different. And I asked him once, I'm like, do you have, like a never ending to do list in your head or is your head quiet? He's like, my head's quiet. I was like, tell me about that.

Michelle [00:11:13]:
What does that?

Lindsay [00:11:14]:
Cuz I get jealous. I'm like, tell me about this. Right? Like, I'm like, right now I'm like, okay. All the, you know, we're in May, like all the kids winter stuff all has to be washed and put away, put all their boots, like, you know, the summer clothes, what fits, what doesn't. And, you know, sometimes I'm like, tell me about this quiet head of yours that's like, do you not have a constant chatter in your head? I don't know. And sometimes I get jealous I'm like, I want to have a quiet head that's not constantly has this list.

Michelle [00:11:49]:
Yeah. And it's true. And I've externalized that list for things that need or have to get done and that maybe some of those things don't need to get done. Because at the end of the day, what is more important, your peace of mind or making sure all the winter clothing has been washed and put away clean? What is the worst case scenario? That child is going to put on a sweater or a scarf that smells a little musty? They're going to survive. But is your sanity going to survive by doing all the things and then having that resentment or, you know, someone does something and kids are really good at this, doing it poorly. So then you step in and then you do it, and it's like, well, it wasn't like, you know, there's all those memes. Like, I asked my family for help, and then it's like, in the next breath, it's like. But not like that.

Michelle [00:12:49]:
Oh, my God.

Lindsay [00:12:49]:
Oh, I'm the king of that. Like, right? Like, sometimes my husband folds the towels. I'm like, why? Why are you doing that?

Michelle [00:12:56]:
Why are you doing that? Like, what?

Lindsay [00:12:58]:
Who cares? It doesn't really matter. It doesn't?

Michelle [00:13:01]:
It doesn't.

Lindsay [00:13:02]:
No, it doesn't. And I wanted to come back to something about this idea of behavior as communication. And I think, and I've really sort of, you know, I sort of adopted this idea as well, right? That it's, their behavior is nothing malicious. It's just an indication of something else. It's an indication of, like, an unmet need or something that they can't communicate. And I think, you know, I don't know, like, you and I grew up in the eighties and it was a bit different. There was this idea of, like, discipline and you need to learn a lesson and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I feel like that is not, and I think about the future of our relationship, and I'm kind of like, what do I want the future of our relationship to look like? Because I feel like that's implemented now.

Lindsay [00:13:57]:
And really, I just want, like, a safe and secure relationship with my kids and I want them to always feel safe and secure with me. So I feel like, you know, my daughter's ten and I, and I feel like, you know, as we head into the teen years, I'm kind of like, I feel like planting that safety is now.

Michelle [00:14:19]:
Absolutely. And that is what I do with my, the parents that I work with and in all of my programming is really about. We look at the tip of the iceberg and there's so many other things. But behaviorism, where we focus just on stopping the behavior, is unrealistic. Because if you have a child that does something wrong and you tell them to stop, then everybody should just stop. Then why aren't they stopping? Right. You may have a child that has ADHD. Well, their impulsivity and emotional control can be up to three years behind.

Michelle [00:14:58]:
So I have a ten year old and they act more like a seven year old. Socially they're behind, but they're super intelligent and can tell you about astronomy or dinosaurs. And then parents get frustrated. So do I punish them? Punishment doesn't teach anything.

Lindsay [00:15:17]:
That's what I think, too.

Michelle [00:15:20]:
Yeah. And that's how we grew up. Getting grounded. Getting grounded? So you get grounded for a month for doing what? Or you're being disrespectful, yet the parent is yelling back at them. So this is how we learn communication. And I'm not perfect. No one's perfect. And sometimes we do raise our voices or we can't have a perfect tone because we're emotional.

Michelle [00:15:43]:
Right. So I can do this with my clients and they're like, can you come home with me? Can you talk to my child that way? But I'm not emotionally invested as far as, like, I'm not there. I'm not living with this child. I'm not getting triggered. I have different thresholds and distress tolerances than that person. And of course, for me that's tough because at home it's different for me working with somebody. But I think what's really important is exactly what you said. Because right now it might be that I got a c or a d on my test and, or that my, I wasn't very nice to my friend.

Michelle [00:16:24]:
As they start getting older, oh, are they going to call you to say, mom, I said I was going to a sleepover. I'm actually at a party two cities away and I need to get home. Are they going to call you or is it going to be like, I'm just going to stay here, I'm going to see if I can get somebody to drive me home. I'm just going to continue lying? Or is there a safe space for them to tell you about anything, to ask you those questions? Because holding space for emotion is so important because that's when the conversations happen. But we were not brought up that way. So if we struggle with our own emotion, if we get triggered, then that can turn into more behaviors from us, too. So it goes back and forth. But, yeah, having that safe space is really important.

Michelle [00:17:15]:
Having structure, clear limits, all that is actually gentle parenting. But unfortunately, the message out there right now is that gentle parenting is actually permissive parenting, and permissive parenting is letting things go walking on eggshells, like, not following through and kids will take advantage of that. Yeah. Yeah.

Lindsay [00:17:40]:
I don't. I'm not sure I define it as that. I think it's just, I find it. It's like a curiosity, like, just being curious and being like, why are you doing that? And for sure, like, none of us are perfect and we're not robots. And I yell at my kids all the time. I often apologize because I'm kind of like, that wasn't really very kind of me. I'm really sorry. So I think.

Lindsay [00:18:07]:
I don't know. And I. And I think if you're kind of. And I think it applies to grown up relationships, too, right? Like, absolutely.

Michelle [00:18:16]:
Yeah.

Lindsay [00:18:16]:
You know, I've had grown up tantrums. I've given myself timeouts because I'm just like, no, can't do it. And I think it applies to all relationships. Kind of like, you know, as grown ups, we're just kind of like. Right. Like, if you don't get your way or whatever, but it's usually some sort of unmet need. And I think if you can just get curious about that stuff, then rather than, you know, I feel like there's this idea of, like, trying to control our kids, and I'm like, can't we just let. Let them lead the way and sort of be the, I don't know, be the guide?

Michelle [00:18:55]:
Yeah. And where does that come from? It stems from fear.

Lindsay [00:18:59]:
Yes. Yes.

Michelle [00:19:00]:
Right. If I just have them here and I have control over everything, then they will stay protected. Protecting versus preparing is a big deal because you can't protect your child until they're 20 and then expect that they are going to go out into the world and problem solve and build resiliency and understand what to do. But that is what we want to do. We want to hold them close. We want to protect them. And it's actually not protecting them. You're not preparing them for life, and you can't be around them all the time.

Michelle [00:19:38]:
You want them to go out into the world to problem solve, to build their life skills, and that means that we have to let go. We have to give them opportunity. We have to hold space when they make a poor decision not to judge them, but to say, I'm glad you came to me. How do we do a do over. Let's talk about this. Because that happens. And their brains are under construction until 25.

Lindsay [00:20:03]:
Yes.

Michelle [00:20:03]:
Right. For neurotypical neurodiverse, brains are until 30. So your brains are under construction for a long time. But how are we feeding that development? And are we stunting it by saying, I'll do it for you, I'll rescue you, I'll step in? This is about my distress tolerance. I don't want you to be upset. So let's just pour butterflies and fairies all over it. And then that child goes into the world, and guess what? They don't care. They don't care that you prefer it this way or that way, or you don't like to be talked to that way.

Michelle [00:20:39]:
So we need to help them with their resiliency, with their distress tolerance. But usually that starts with us and we didn't get that.

Lindsay [00:20:48]:
No, no, I know. Thank you, Michelle. You're lovely. Where can people find you and how can they work with you?

Michelle [00:20:56]:
Yeah. So lots of different ways to connect with me. I'm all over social media as mom, the manager. I'm on Instagram. I have two Facebook groups called overworked to overjoyed and one specific to. It's called ADHD parenting and momthemanager. CA is where you can message me for a free 15 minutes call. You can see my on demand programming, my downloadables, and I'm here.

Michelle [00:21:25]:
I will reach out to you. I know that sometimes people just have a question, they're just not quite sure where to get started. So if I can't help you, then let me support you. And I've got lots of free stuff, too.

Lindsay [00:21:39]:
Amazing. Thank you.

Michelle [00:21:42]:
My pleasure.

Lindsay [00:21:43]:
Thanks everyone, for tuning in, and we'll see you next time. Thank you so much for listening. If you loved what you heard, don't forget to subscribe, subscribe, leave a review or share this episode on social media. And don't forget to tag me on Instagram at lindsaysmithcreative.

Michelle [00:21:58]:
And if you do all three, I'll.

Lindsay [00:21:59]:
Be your best friend forever and invite you to all my birthday parties. That's it for today, and I'll see you next time.