Exploring motherhood and marriage with Michelle Purta | Ep. 14 Content Magic with Lindsay Smith

In this episode of Content Magic I'm joined by my friend and colleague Michelle Purta, a marriage coach. She shares her passion for helping couples communicate effectively and manage conflict without resentment. 

This mom of three knows first-hand what happens to a marriage or relationship after having kids. 

We chat about modern relationships, taking time out as a couple and the importance of awareness and self-fulfillment in a partnership. 

 Stay tuned for actionable tips, memorable anecdotes, and plenty of inspiring insights in this episode!

06:00 Transition from corporate HR to full-time mother.

08:50 Deciding to become a life coach, marriage, parenthood.

11:11 Marriage coaching focuses on communication and self-awareness.

14:16 Maintain individuality, engage in hobbies, exercise. Prioritize.

16:30 Partners with equal status break power dynamic.

19:57 Podcast covers marriage, motherhood, and self-care.


CONNECT WITH MICHELLE!
Instagram: @michellepurtacoaching
Website: michellepurta.com
Podcast: The Marriage and Motherhood podcast
Free training: The #1 conversation couples need to have (but aren't) 

Michelle [00:00:00]:
How that goes, right? Like, if you're a parent, you know what it does to your marriage. All of a sudden, you kind of just unintentionally, unconsciously put it in the back burner and you coast.

Lindsay [00:00:13]:
If you have an online business, you're creating content. And the way you create content is more important than ever. It's really noisy out there, and learning to stand out is the only way. Hey, I'm Lindsay, and I'm the host of the Content Magic podcast, all about being an entrepreneur and creating kick ass content to market yourself and your business. I have a not so secret superpower for copywriting, marketing, and content, and I've helped hundreds of folks just like you show up with a ton of confidence in the online space. I've been doing this content thing for 20 years, and I believe the real magic is a combo of intuition, creativity, and strategy. You can create content for your business without losing your mind. I promise.

Lindsay [00:00:59]:
So tune in every week for tangible content tips, inspiring guests, and some real spicy opinions. Probably mine. Ready to dive in?

Lindsay [00:01:08]:
Let's go. Hi, gang. Welcome back to content magic. It's me, Lindsay, and I'm really excited to welcome my friend Michelle. Hi, Michelle.

Michelle [00:01:21]:
Hi, Lindsay. Hi, everyone.

Lindsay [00:01:24]:
Can you tell, I mean, I know what you do, but can you tell the people where you are and who you are and what you do and who you help?

Michelle [00:01:31]:
Yeah. So, I am in California. So much warmer place than where Lindsay is. She just told me earlier the temperature, and I was like, oh, my gosh, I would die.

Lindsay [00:01:43]:
No, we just need a better park. You wouldn't die.

Michelle [00:01:50]:
So, yeah, right now, where I am, let's see. I think it's, like, 54 degrees Fahrenheit. And she told me her equivalent is, like, negative seven degrees Fahrenheit. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I don't think I've ever been somewhere that cold before.

Lindsay [00:02:04]:
Oh, God. It's not that bad. You just need to put on the right gear.

Michelle [00:02:08]:
Yeah, you're probably right, but just the thought of it, I was like, oh, my gosh. Anyway, so I'm in California, and I'm a marriage coach. So I work with couples. I work with individuals who really want to elevate the way they experience conflict. They want to learn how to communicate better because they didn't learn how. Right. Their parents didn't show them. You definitely don't learn it in school, and, of course.

Michelle [00:02:33]:
So why would you know how? I didn't know how. I definitely fumbled my way through communication in my relationships because I kind of just, like, jumbled up what my parents showed me and thought, okay, well, I'm going to be better than them because I'm going to be different. No, I was not better. I was just different. Kind of bad. And so I really had to take a look at what's going on here because didn't matter who I was in a relationship with, I just kept encountering the same issues. So much drama, so much arguing, so much crying, feeling like we're not on the same page and we're not getting each other. And our issues were never resolved.

Michelle [00:03:17]:
It was kind of like, okay, well, I'm done talking. It's been hours. I'm done crying. I'm all cried out. I just can't do this anymore. So we went under the rug and surprise pops up again. So after realizing that I was the common denominator, aka I'm the problem, right? It's like that Taylor Swift song, I'm the problem. It's me.

Michelle [00:03:38]:
Exactly. I was definitely the problem. And so I had a lot of growing up to do, a lot of taking a look at how I approach communication, how I could approach it better. And now I have this communication that is super open, super deep, and intimate with my husband that I never thought I would get to. Right. Anytime I had conflict, I would just cry and it would be terrible. I would get passive aggressive. I would blame, I would criticize and turn into this version of me that I hated and felt regretful of being after the fact.

Michelle [00:04:18]:
Right? It was like when I was frustrated or angry, I saw red and it was like, right. It was just verbal diarrhea all over. And I didn't realize that that isn't actually communicating, that's just talking. And talking and communicating aren't the same. And so now I have the pleasure of helping others learn how to switch up, how they're communicating so that they can actually feel heard and learn strategies, how to do that more effectively and so they could spend less time arguing and more time actually enjoying being in a partnership and being married and what you think you signed up for, but maybe you're not experiencing anymore in the.

Lindsay [00:05:02]:
Hallmark movies and the rom coms and stuff.

Michelle [00:05:05]:
Yeah, exactly. Right? I mean, obviously it's real life, so that's not 24/7 but more of that, right? More good days and bad days and being able to actually enjoy your relationship because that's what it's about, right? You want to be able to enjoy it. You want to feel like this is something that adds to your life rather than just adds more frustration. And stress. Right. I think life alone does a good enough job for that. And we really need that when we are parenting, right? We need that partnership. And when we feel like we're not partners, like we don't have someone supporting us, one that's making our life better, life just feels infinitely more difficult.

Lindsay [00:05:50]:
Yeah. Can you tell us what led you to becoming a marriage coach? Tell me about your entrepreneurial journey.

Michelle [00:06:00]:
Yeah. So I kind of fell into it. I think a lot of people say that, right? I used to be a corporate monkey, right? I did HR for a really long time, switched over to project management after getting burned out doing HR. They had me doing way too many layoffs. It broke my heart every time, right? And so when I had my first biological son, I'm a mom of three, by the way. I've got a stepson who's 14, a son who's seven, and a daughter who's almost four. And so when my seven year old was born, I had every intent of going back to work. But for whatever reason, the universe was, like, showing me all kinds of videos of abusive childcare workers.

Michelle [00:06:47]:
And I'm like, no. Every time I felt like I needed to go look for a babysitter or a daycare for him for me to go back to work, I would just break down and cry. And so I was like, something's wrong here. So I put in my notice and I left, right? Like, I didn't even go back after maternity leave. And I was like, okay, well, I live in the bay area. This is not, like a one income kind of place to live. So I had to go figure it out. And I dabbled my way through different know, doing VA work and stuff.

Michelle [00:07:20]:
And one of the VA opportunities landed me working under a mom coach, and she had me co create a group coaching program for moms. It was like an accountability group, right? You come in with whatever goal you have, doesn't matter what it is, and we work through it, we support each other, and we keep track of the progress you're making to help you actually achieve your goal. And she's like, hey, why don't you just be a part of it anyway, right? You're on the calls anyway. So I'm like, okay, fine. So at that same time, my friend was like, hey, I think you should be a life coach. And I was like, what the hell is a life coach? I don't have my shit together. How could I possibly be a life coach? And so she's like, no, you should look into it. You should talk to my life coach.

Michelle [00:08:12]:
She's amazing. She's been doing it for 20 something years. I'm like, okay, whatever. So I talked to her, and she's like, telling me about it, and I was like, oh, you know, the qualities that you're saying that make a good life coach? I feel like I do that naturally. I'm very naturally inquisitive. I love getting to know people. I love bringing in different perspectives and not just allowing you to just stick with your side of things, right. Because we can be our biggest hype girl to a fault sometimes, right, where we're not really open to seeing the other person's point of view, and it can really leave us in a bad place.

Michelle [00:08:50]:
And so I'm like, okay, let me make this my goal, to figure out if I want to be a life coach. I bought all the books, signed up for the training to learn more about it, and I was like, I actually think I want to do this. And I was like, okay, but who do I want to help? And I was like, okay, well, what's the biggest transformation I've experienced? And that was being in a relationship with someone, my marriage, trying to figure out how to have a successful, connected relationship with someone, and then with that added twist of becoming a parent and doing it while navigating parenthood, because we all know how that goes, right? Like, if you're a parent, you know what it does to your marriage. All of a sudden, you kind of just unintentionally, unconsciously put it in the back burner. You just coast and you coast. And any issues that you had before that you had capacity to handle, you now have less capacity because you're more tired, right? You're more drained. You got more responsibility, less time. And those issues seem to feel like they get amplified.

Michelle [00:10:07]:
And so maybe you argue more. Maybe you become like two boats sailing across the sea, like just passing each other and not feeling connected. And then it's like resentment builds and then just kind of goes downhill from there. So I wanted to help people navigate that process that, and be able to know that they can come out of it and enjoy their marriage while navigating parenthood, not waiting for the kids to move out or for the kids to be more independent and be like, okay, well, when that happens, then we'll have time to prioritize our marriage, but rather, no, that's backwards. That's leaving it up to chance that your marriage is still going to be existing or still going to be salvageable. Right? It's time to work on it now. And see what happens.

Lindsay [00:11:01]:
And would you say communication is, like, the number one issue that people come to see you with? Absolutely. Or they don't know what they're coming to see you with. And it turns out to be. That's the issue.

Michelle [00:11:11]:
So normally they come to me because they're like, oh, yeah, we're having trouble communicating, or we're not feeling connected. And it always comes down to some form of communication, which, if we look at it from a deeper level, it's about self awareness. And so I do things quite differently when it comes to marriage coaching. When I work with couples, I see it as working with three different, I'll say, entities, right? The wife, the husband, and the marriage. For me, when it comes to having a fulfilling, successful, connected marriage, we ourselves need to feel fulfilled and connected to ourself. We need to know what it is that we're feeling, what our emotions are teaching us and telling us, communicating with us, and what it is that we want. And a lot of people are out there unaware of all of that and how to manage their emotions and how to be their best self and how to create more opportunities for them to be their best self. More often.

Michelle [00:12:15]:
It's kind of like, well, this is just how I am. Well, is it, though? I think you're just really stressed, and maybe you're burned out and taking on way too much and you don't feel understood, and so you lean on the tactics that you observed your parents doing, thinking that that's how it's supposed to be. And your circle has a lot to do with it. Right. You normalize what you see and what you've experienced. So if everyone in your circle is like, yeah, we argue all the time. Okay, cool. That's just how it goes.

Michelle [00:12:47]:
But when you meet someone who's like, oh, well, I don't really argue with my husband. We have disagreements, and we talk through them like mature adults, and we move on, and we have dates, and we connect with each other, and we like each other. We want to be around each other, right? And we put them before our kids, and they're like, wait, what? That's a thing? Yeah. You get to enjoy your marriage after kids. Go figure.

Lindsay [00:13:15]:
And it's so funny. Even if Mark and I do go out together, the conversation always comes back to the kids. We always end up. And I don't know if that's like, yeah, and I think about that, right? The conversation ends up somewhere around the kids talking about it or saying, talking about something funny my son did or something my daughter did. That we were super proud of or whatever.

Michelle [00:13:45]:
Right.

Lindsay [00:13:46]:
It always comes back, which I guess is natural because that's what we.

Michelle [00:13:51]:
That's our everyday life. Yeah, exactly. And there's nothing wrong with that. The only thing is that if you're only talking about the kids, then there's a need to expand, right. Then there's evidence that you're not connecting on a relational level. You're just connecting as parents. Right. So you've got to do your own thing so that you can bring something new into the relationship.

Michelle [00:14:16]:
Right. Go out with your friends, go do a hobby, go exercise. Like, go be in the world as an individual, because you still get to be that as a mom, as a wife, as a partner. Right. And go do things with your spouse, whether it's after the kids go down to bed and you're doing things in the home, or if you're getting family or a trusted adult to watch the kids and you go do something else. Right. Whatever it is, you still need to honor the individual in the relationship, not just the status of being parents. Like, you're more than just a parent.

Lindsay [00:14:52]:
And I'd like to think that our generation is probably more independent than, like, our parents generation. Definitely.

Michelle [00:15:00]:
Thank goodness, right?

Lindsay [00:15:01]:
Because most of us have already. People get married later and later. We've had careers and lives. I would think that most of us, I don't know, and I guess it depends on the individual, but I'd like to think that most of us in our late 30s, mid 40s, we're used to being independent, so it's not like this codependent relationship, and we do things separately. And that's what I feel like. That just makes things better. Yeah. I don't know.

Lindsay [00:15:40]:
I'm thinking, I guess I have friends that are like, oh, let me ask my husband. And I'm like, what? If you want to dye your hair purple, go dye your hair purple. I don't know, any random thing, right. So, I don't know, maybe. Yeah, I find that interesting.

Michelle [00:15:57]:
I think there is a difference between asking your partner and just talking about it with them. Right. You need to ask permission to do things. Unless it's like a major financial, financial decision, then it's not really so much permission. It's more like, let's talk about it as partners so that we're in agreement and we kind of know what we're getting into. And you're making the decision jointly. Right. But if you're asking permission, you likely don't need to.

Michelle [00:16:30]:
They're not in control of you. They are your partner. You are of the same status when it comes to the power dynamic. And I think that is one of the pitfalls that a lot of women fall under. Right. They assume a lot based on what they think their role is and their responsibilities are as a woman and a family, who has a family. And a lot of my clients need to be reminded, hey, you know how your husband takes care of himself, like, unapologetically and just lets you know that he's going somewhere? Did you know that you can do that, too?

Lindsay [00:17:07]:
What? Oh, my God. I know. I always joke with my girlfriends. I'm like, could we go play golf? But not really play golf, just like spend 6 hours away from the house doing I don't even know what. I don't know, having a nap in my car and reading a book.

Michelle [00:17:27]:
Make something up, talk about it and arrange it. You make it happen. But if they don't know that that's something you want, they think that you're fine. Because when they see you're like, oh, they're getting shit done. They got it. It's fine. But inside you're like, dying a little bit. You got to let them in and let them know.

Lindsay [00:17:46]:
Which I guess is where that whole communication thing comes.

Michelle [00:17:49]:
Exactly.

Lindsay [00:17:50]:
Yes. Can we shift gears a little bit?

Michelle [00:17:53]:
Absolutely.

Lindsay [00:17:54]:
So, content. So you have come to my weekly.

Michelle [00:18:00]:
Content call, which is so fun, by the way. If you haven't joined yet, you need to go join. Yeah. I love the card that you pull, and it's like, yes, I know.

Lindsay [00:18:10]:
And that's kind of how I roll. I mean, if you're new here. I only know how to be one person. I only know how to be one, Lindsay. It's how I run my business. It's how I show up in life. That's really all I know how to do. So this week we talked on our call, which is Tuesdays, 12:00 p.m.

Lindsay [00:18:29]:
Eastern standard time. Please join us. We threw around a couple of content ideas. So were any of those helpful to you? And did you go forth and create anything from that?

Michelle [00:18:41]:
They were helpful. I took, like, what was it, four or five postit notes worth of notes. So if that alone doesn't convince you to join her call, that's amazing.

Lindsay [00:18:54]:
Okay, cool. We're promoting me now.

Michelle [00:18:57]:
Yeah, exactly. No, I thought it was really great. And I do plan to write an email about why you shouldn't work with me. I thought that was so awesome. I looked back on your email. I was like, oh, okay.

Lindsay [00:19:13]:
Oh, good. Maybe I'll send it out again as an example.

Michelle [00:19:17]:
Yeah. So that's great. And I think it's so helpful to just have a different perspective on how to approach things, because especially with content, it's like, I have so much information. I'm like, what do I share? What would be most impactful, what would be of most value, and what will encourage people to take action, to make their life better? Right. To not just settle for what's going on right now. So. So many questions. And when we have these prompts and those fun little cards, it's like, okay, it helps focus.

Lindsay [00:19:54]:
And you have a podcast, too, do you?

Michelle [00:19:57]:
I do. It's called the marriage and Motherhood podcast, and that's been so much fun. I've met so many incredible people through it. And, yeah, I talk a lot about communication, a lot about partnership, a lot about emotions and self care, all the makings of a healthy, successful marriage. And then I invite friends that help you experience motherhood better in all different areas. I think tomorrow. Well, I don't know when this is going to air, but the next episode that I'm airing with a guest is about money. So that's been fun.

Lindsay [00:20:34]:
Yes. Good.

Michelle [00:20:35]:
Yeah.

Lindsay [00:20:37]:
So, any podcast tips for me before we go?

Michelle [00:20:41]:
What do you want to know? I mean, I'm still pretty new. I'm going to hit two years in March, but I still feel like I'm still learning.

Lindsay [00:20:52]:
I joke that my strategy is to just come up with cool ideas and talk about it and then invite people I like on to talk.

Michelle [00:21:00]:
That's pretty much what I do.

Lindsay [00:21:03]:
Okay, cool. All right. Yeah.

Michelle [00:21:07]:
I think that's a really great way. You're a copywriter, so I feel like you already have a leg up, right? You think about what other people would be interested in and offer your spin on it. I feel like that's all we can really do, is just be another voice to help someone who is in need of help. I feel like that'll get the right people to you.

Lindsay [00:21:33]:
Isn't that why we all started our own business, is because we want to help people? Yeah, pretty much. Thank you, Michelle. You're so lovely. Where can people find you? Yes.

Michelle [00:21:43]:
So you can find me in all the places I recently started. TikTok. So that's been fun. I'll have to friend you. Okay.

Lindsay [00:21:52]:
I have one video, and that's okay.

Michelle [00:21:54]:
You got to start with one, right? The first one. Always. I'm there. I'm on Instagram. I've got my own Facebook group, which you should join. It's called marriage and motherhood and yeah, I would love to connect with anyone that's resonating with what I shared and my story. I would love to help you out and connect with you.

Lindsay [00:22:19]:
Okay, cool. We'll share all that info in the show notes. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you in California. You're delightful.

Michelle [00:22:26]:
And I'll see you.

Lindsay [00:22:28]:
Yeah, I know. I'll probably see you in, like, two days again because we talk all the time.

Michelle [00:22:34]:
All right, toodleoo, everyone.

Lindsay [00:22:36]:
That's it for us today, and we'll see you next time.

Lindsay [00:22:39]:
Thank you so much for listening. If you loved what you heard, don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, or share this episode on social media. And don't forget to tag me on Instagram at Lindsay Smith Creative. And if you do all three, I'll be your best friend forever and invite you to all my birthday party. That's it for today, and I'll see you next time. Bye.